


Dobby the House Elf and the Seven Snake Dicks

by thesevendicks



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fivesome, Multi, Orgy, Prostitution, Weird, really weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 16:13:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4752719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesevendicks/pseuds/thesevendicks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dobby is a prostitute working for Dumbledore. These are the events of a normal night on the job for Dobby.</p><p>Also known as, "Harry Potter and the Time He Peered Through The Window And No One Noticed"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dobby the House Elf and the Seven Snake Dicks

**Author's Note:**

> This is fucking insane. enjoy

Dobby the House Elf and the Seven Snake Dicks

Dobby woke up at 7am, ready for another day of servicing witches and wizards sexually. Sometimes he regretted his profession, but at the end of a long day he felt satisfied with himself and his bank account; it was worth it. After all, he needed to maintain a steady inflow of new socks in his wardrobe. Before he succumbed to Dumbledore’s begging, he had a severe lack of socks. Now he worked in the Professor’s “house”, and he never found himself searching for a new pair after not doing laundry for a few weeks. There were always some there. That was Dumbledore’s way of getting elves to work for him: “your feet will never be cold again” is what he’d said to Dobby.  
At the time, Dobby was eating oatmeal. He cried.  
But now, every time Dobby looked into his full length mirror and saw himself, clad in nothing but enchanted lingerie (bought for half-price in Knockturn Alley), his body lithe and elegant from a youth spent lifting tin cans in the Hogwarts Kitchen, he felt proud. He knew that he was made for this.  
What has been always surprising to Dobby was why Elves could even be able to degrade themselves to be served as pieces of mystic high-price meat to casual wizards coming from different countries which found Elves something so intriguing and exotic they would be incredible amounts of money for them. And then... there was Dobby.  
Hagrid used to make him visit sometimes. Hagrid scared Dobby. Dobby was three feet tall, and Hagrid was 10 feet. The nature of their encounters scared Dobby; he didn’t understand how it worked. Luckily Hagrid had a surprisingly small penis, only two or three inches, so it was bearable. His second penis, on the other hand, was two metres long, so they only did hand stuff with that one. Hagrid’s monsterous dick was perfect for people like Olympe Maxime, but Dobby just couldn’t handle it. It was worth noting, however, that whenever Dobby visited him, he always got "something extra". This usually involved baked goods, but Dobby remained cold and refused them every time. He also refused to kiss Hagrid on the lips, in case of herpes. It wouldn't be that big of a deal for a wizard, but house elves usually died a week after contracting it. This made maintaining the workforce a real bother for Dumbledore, but so far he had managed to deal with it. 

Later that night, the moon was full in the sky. Dobby thought of Lupin. He was no longer a customer at ‘xoxo Dumbledore’s Wands xoxo’, not since Tonks was in the picture. Dobby had good memories of their time together, though. Lupin had visited once a month, and he was a real animal in the sack. A real. animal. He was really an animal like a wolf or something. It was so sexy.  
There was an ominous knock at the large oak door. Dobby rose from the four poster bed, enveloped in crusty silk crimson sheets, and trawled downstairs. The manager, Winky, answered the door as usual, winking, because she’s called Winky.  
The shadows of the night hid most of her face, but from the silvery moon Dobby could see that her figure was topped with wild curls. Winky gulped twice.  
“Master?” she called, her squeaky voice trembling desperately. “It’s her.”  
The night had come. The woman had been hinting at this for months. It was finally here, and Dobby’s heart thrummed in his tiny ribcage at the very thought of her domineering ways.

Closing the door, Dobby gulped as he was now alone with the terrifying woman. Her tall figure loomed over him and he felt tiny in her shadow.  
‘Well?’ she demanded, staring down at him.’  
‘Yes, yes,’ Dobby squeaked, sliding his pillow case off. Bellatrix undressed too, revealing a slender pale body. She walked over to him, clenching a hand round his neck and throwing him into the bed, which titillated DObby as it reminded him of how Harry Potter touched him once. How he loved Harry Potter. That boy could do anything to Dobby as far as he was concerned!  
‘Ravish me,’ she demanded, lying down onto the bed, the silver from the window illuminating her pale skin and slender limbs.  
Swallowing hard, dobby slipped a hand down to his crotch, beginning to stroke his little elf penis. A deafening scream filled the room. It was hard to feel aroused, in such a scary position, so he closed his eyes and thought of Minerva Mcgonagall, his secret one true love. Yes, yes, that did it for him. He would often meet Minerva in the kitchen after dark, slipping her extra food like cucumbers and baguettes, until he stopped giving her penis-shaped things and started giving her the real thing.  
Minerva and dobby had history. History which they both shamefully refuse to speak about, especially since Dobby picked up his new career as an escort.  
Smiling, he looked down to his elfish erection, preparing to do his duty; not just for himself or his client, but for the reputation of all the elven escorts and his pimp, Dumbledore. If Dumbledore looked good, Harry Potter looked good, and that was all Dobby wanted.  
Shuffling forward, he lifted Bellatrix’s legs up, gawping at her clean shaven vulva, her hole already moist.  
‘Miss Bellatrix,’ he squeaked. ‘How does one want it?  
‘Call me Bella,’ she smiled. ‘I do not mind, just do it rough.’  
“oh, and a last question before we start” said Dobby with a lowered voice, suggesting he was about to ask for a special delivery of socks. “Do you like someone smelling and licking your feet?”  
Bellatrix let out a laugh, a laugh that sounded like a howl, and shook her leonine head. “Give it to me, now.”  
“Uh, you didn’t answer my question, but alright.” Dobby assumed Bellatrix did not want someone smelling and licking her feet because she avoided answering. No new socks with pink swans on them, then, thought Dobby sadly in the confines of his head.  
Closing his eyes, Dobby grasped the tip of his penis, guiding his way into Bellatrix’s hole. She moaned audibly as he entered her, reaching down to touch his head, encouraging him to go in deeper. He was afraid his entire miniscule body would be sucked into her expansive vagina, but he wasn´t going to stop. If he had to die on the job, so be it. He owed it to Dumbledore.  
‘More...I need it,’ she breathed, relishing the feel of the house elf.  
Dobby inhaled slightly, dreading what was to become. He thrust his hips forward, delving deeper into her, his penis so small compared to a human’s vagina that he could move around quite easily. There was even space to perform patterns and special moves. He wrote ‘YMCA’ inside her with his penis. Beginning to thrust in and out of her, Bellatrix demanded more.  
‘Quicker. Harder,’ she snapped. ‘Or no socks.’  
No socks! What would Dobby do then? With the thought of such cosy cotton joys entering his mind, he started to really go to town, body beginning to sweat as he went as quick as his frail body would let him, his hips pounding like hungry wedding guests rushing to the buffet table. Bellatrix screeched like a mounting pterodactyl as Dobby applied everything he had ever learned to this one moonlit liason. 

A knock on the door startled them both.  
"Excuse me, peasant," Bellatrix shouted. "We are busy!"  
All they heard was a series of short coughs from behind the oak door.  
She looked out of the window behind them.”  
“Oh crap it’s my husband and one of his servants. What could they want?”  
“Do they want to join in, mistress?” Dobby offered shyly.  
“Dobby, sir?” Winky’s voice came from the other side of the door, once again her squeal shook as she spoke.  
“There are some...others here. They want to speak to you, sir.”  
The door magically opened (of course it did, this was Hogsmeade), making a sexual noise instead of the normal creaking, to reveal not only Mr. Lestrange, but two others: a completely naked Voldemort, his white skin like a line of spilt semen LOOOL i lo and his red eyes shining as if two rubies of Gryffindor were stuck in his skull, and the stout, Toad-like nature of none other than Dolores Umbridge. She was dressed only in a silken, almost see-through nightgown. Voldemort however was dressed head to toe in translucent lycra, gripping his skin like water, with two holes cut out on his chest, leaving his exquisite nips exposed.. Dobby could see everything. Did Voldemort have two penises too? No, it looked like six! Maybe seven!!’Either way, everyone in the room agreed on one thing: Mr Lestrange was hung like a horse. And Dobby would know; having spent many a night clamped between Firenze's meaty thighs. Aren´t they supposed to be seven?

The first thing Dobby noticed was the length of Voldemort’s first penis. It was a giant frankfurter, like a mega hot dog you get at some market stalls. He was completely devoid of hair, shining like he was a prepubescent child, but the size of it confirmed his adult status.  
‘Hello Dobby,’ Voldemort whispered, stroking one of his ears. You may have noticed, I have seven penises. One for each of my horcruxes- and you will now service them, if you know what i mean.’  
‘How did you get seven?’ Dobby whispered.  
‘Well, as it turns out, there’s a side effect to making horcruxes that no one mentioned,’ Voldemort shrugged. ‘That’s why I always wear such loose, floaty robes. I can’t really fit into trousers.’ 

'But...' Umbridge rasped 'What about ur balls?'  
Voldemort gave a sly smile.  
"I want all of you. All four of you. At the same time, riding my penises in synchronisation. You can have two each. Dobby, you can have four,as we all know about those extra holes that house elves have.” 

Dobby gulped. His palms were sweaty, knees spaghetti, arms spaghetti, spaghetti on his spaghetti already, spaghetti’s spaghetti, and his mouth was also full of spaghetti, and Dobby thought maybe he’d been spaghetti all along, but he knew he wouldn’t be in a second because of Voldemort’s semen. He gulped down some pumpkin juice like the thirsty bitch he was. The spaghetti has indeed, now travelled down his throat. Now, he was ready. The space has been made.  
Voldemort, like he did when he hugged his Death Eaters after he came back to life, embraced Dobby. Dobby’s skin tensed at the touch, Voldemort’s elongated fingers playing with the loose skin on his shoulders and back. Dobby couldn’t help it; he let out a moan. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was apprehensive or excited, but he wanted this. He wanted it.  
Voldemort moved downwards until his face was level with Dobby’s. Voldemort grabbed one of Dobby’s tiny hands and placed it upon his dick. Dobby let out a lewd scream which pierced the musty air between them, shattering a goblet of lubricant on the bedside table. It was harder than any other penis he’d come across in his prolific career as a high-end escort. Perhaps it was because Voldemort was like 90% snake. That would also explain the scales. And the tongue. Oh, that tongue.  
Dobby’s mouth was barely big enough to fit a large mouthful of pie (like he tried on so many of those lonely Friday nights), let alone Voldemort’s 12-inch penis. Dobby almost cried out when Voldemort stuffed it between his tiny lips, but obviously it was muffled by the dick. “Death my Eater!” Voldemort cried.  
“What?” replied Dobby.  
“I mean, Eat my Death? Death Eater my dick!”  
Dobby began to suck furiously, scared by Voldomort's bellowing voice. Soon, he found the taste wasn’t so bad, and the icicle-like skin actually felt nice in his wet mouth. BUt then, something happened which shocked him.  
He pulled off, leaving a trail of glistening saliva between him and the dick.  
‘It moved?’ he screamed. And then he saw the terrible truth. Two eyes had appeared at the end of the dick. Voldemorts dick was far from a dick, but a pale, pinky-white snake. And there were seven of them, hissing and gyrating like Medusa's fierce af weave.  
None of them paid any attention to Umbridge, who dutifully noted all the activities in the room in the notepad she brought to meetings, the one shaped like an erect penis. Oh how the other staff at the ministry got a kick out of that! She would have to try this out with Filch when she was back at the castle - she blushed at the thought of seizing the penis of her bristly lover in the third floor broom cupboard as soon as she got the chance. Reading the notebook was also a highly entertaining pastime whenever she got too bored during staff meetings, although it did mean that she started wheezing and drawing attention to herself when she was meant to be keeping quiet. Oh well; worth it for a bit of naughty fun! It's not like she was the one to keep quiet that often. Once, she was almost caught in the girl's bathrooms by some first years; she was reading the notebook and she just got to the part where Dobby and Hagrid decided to invite Grawp to their "meeting". Thankfully, the first years passed it off as the Moaning Myrtle, just with a few more things on her mind than usual.  
One time, Snape asked her what was so funny. Umbridge giggled to herself and then told him “Wouldn’t you like to know, big guy?” And then she spent the rest of the meeting thinking about Snape’s snake and how much she wanted to ride the Snape Express all the way to 9 3/4 and back.  
Umbridge was enticed by Voldemort’s snake dicks. She noticed that six of the dicks were not being utilised, and had started to chat to each other in their boredom. Something about the house elf that was covered in spaghetti? She tip-toed forward, careful to keep low and not to seem threatening to them, before she shoved Dobby out of the way and began inspecting the penises. One wriggled between her fingers happily and she snorted in delight before she invited Bellatrix over to deal with it. Umbridge was too scared herself: what if it bit her? But regardless of her own cowardice, she wanted to please the Dark Lord.  
Bellatrix smiled seductively and moved on to another of the snake dicks. She placed it in her mouth and began to work on it, wriggling around and pleasing the Dark Lord. Her husband, Rodolphus, caught her eye in the mirror and went over to the pair. He began working on another snake dick, muttering “no homo”, and soon Dobby got up the courage to return to the snake dicks, muttering “super fuckin homo”.  
But little did Dobby know that saying this phrase summons the gayest of the gay, Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore. He crashed through the door,  
‘Mr D has arrived! I am already naked except for some socks, and screamed, “What’s crackalackin? I gotta get in on this shag fest! Move over for Albus, the one and only true master of the Elder Wands!"  
He launched himself onto a snake dick, backwards and spinning, and began jumping on Voldemort’s pubic area, screaming “I can’t speak parseltongue but I can speak dick” He leaned down to the dick and whispered, “Mankini.” Suddenly it exploded everywhere, a mass of rainbow liquid. Dumbledore wiped some off his face and licked it. “Alas,” he said, a tear rolling down his cheek. “Earwax.”  
Dobby, meanwhile, was still jerking off one of Voldemort’s snake dicks enthusiastically, little wrist pumping up and down (just imagine how many socks he’d get for this, probably like, two), and glanced over to Dumbledore. He looked to be thoroughly enjoying the rainbow semen rolling through his silver beard. “I haven't been covered in this stuff since the first wizarding war,” Dumbledore snickered with glee, winking at a now moaning Voldemort, remembering those old days in the chamber of secrets. The basilisk wasn’t the ONLY huge snake that lived down there, that much he knew. ;) Sometimes, the memory of Voldemort, the 16-year-old Tom Riddle, would join in, and boy was that some good loving. Dumbledore loved the feeling of a young, stamina-filled Riddle and the old, snake-like Voldemort attending to all his erogenous zones at once. He knew why he’d been placed in.. Slither In house. Mmmmm… the way his dick would just perfectly slither in his third asshole. His third was his favourite! He hadn’t let another man in since Tom. That was his special hole. If Dumbledore paid Voldemort well, (by paid I mean, returning the favour) sometimes Voldemort and Tom would shag and let Dumbledore watch. There was something erotic about watching a 16-year-old ride his 70-year-old future body. Dumbledore had never told either of them that they were the same person! He was planning on revealing it on an episode of Jeremy Kyle using a DNA test, but then Riddle got like stabbed or something by Harry, which was annoying.

Umbridge had removed her pink hairband and was using it to pleasure a particularly thick snake-penis that wiggled enthusiastically and hummed 'the final Countdown' at the touch. While she did so, she couldn't help but think of Bane, and how as he carried her off into the forest, she could smell his homemade mushroom cologne emanating from his glossy mane. She hated being attracted to centaurs, but she couldn't help it. It was her weakness.so, as she laid waste to Voldemort’s chubby dick she imagined it was Bane's, and she was sure she could hear Filch's voice egging her on in the distance. (In fact, she could only hear the chafing of Dumbledore's rough thighs.)

Dobby had been working furiously on Voldemort’s snake dick, when Voldemort gave one final cry of ‘Nyaaaaaaa!’

Suddenly, another spurt of rainbow goo spurted up into the air, leaving a few splatters on the ceiling before coming down, drenching dobby as it landed on his head. He stuck his tongue out and licked it tentatively.  
‘It tastes like pumpkin juice! Yummy!’ It was such a rewarding taste for such a tiresome job. But then, dobby felt a twitch on his hand. Voldemort’s snake dick was not shrinking down to it’s flaccid size. Oh no. It grew and grew, developing into a massive, green python.  
‘Nagini,’ Voldemort whispered. ‘Dinner’  
Lunging forward, Nagini, still attached to Voldemort’s crotch, opened her mouth, showing off her gleaming fangs. Dobby was engulfed by her mouth before he even had time to say ‘Quidditch’ feeling her warm, moist mouth. His final thought, a thought that made him smile even in the darkest of times, was Harry Potter.

**Author's Note:**

> told you
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> written in one non-drug-fuelled evening by laura, fiona, ewa, mattia, kathryn, and erin


End file.
